**DISCLAIMER: TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEPRESSION**
I know, I know it’s Monday so I’m sure a lot of you are already depressed enough as it is. So I know when you read this title you were thinking “ugh, is she really going to talk about this? Today??” Sorry, but yes. This is something that’s hitting me hard right now and I know that a lot of people go through this. I like to talk about things that I know a wide spread of people go through, in hopes of making others feel better in general and who think they may be in a small group when they’re not. If you’d like to read then please continue.
WHY THE TERM DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS AND NOT DEPRESSION
I’m one who sometimes self diagnoses myself. You know when you Google about a headache and then suddenly you’re dying? Yea I do that sometimes, but for big things such as this it’s important not too. Some even find it offensive to say you have depression when you haven’t been diagnosed by a professional. If you do feel like you may have depression, then please go talk to a professional so you can get the proper help. Sadly, I don’t have the money or insurance to get the help I need. Until then, I don’t say I have depression, but I use the term depressive thoughts to best explain my constant feelings.
WHEN IT BEGAN
When I say when it began, I don’t mean the very beginning (if you’d like a post on that comment and let me know!) but I mean recently. Now, I’ve been pretty down in general, but it got worse mid-summer. What usually helps me when my depressive thoughts have really come back with a vengeance, is when I hang out with my friends. I don’t think they even know what hanging out with them does. I know it’s only for a little while but for me that distraction is all I need. Sometimes I may have hung out with them so late that I’m too tired to even get into my thoughts. It’s not a definite solution, but it’s a short term fix that I really appreciate and need. Well, they’re mostly off doing their thing in other cities or busy working but I had one person I was hanging with. I was having so much fun and doing new things and yea, it didn’t cure me, but it was the most consistent fun I’ve had in a while. Well, mid-summer that ended. I suppose this person just got too busy. They left, and my depressive thoughts came back full throttle.
I’ve had to force myself to get out of bed and go out, even if it’s just to pick up Starbucks and come straight home. I’ve been wanting to workout and I just can’t seem to do it (a pattern that’s not new). I hate to admit, but I even have to force myself to shower sometimes. I feel alone. It’s not even the alone thing that I have to get used to, because I know I’m not going to have them forever. Throughout my years in college I had no friends while the ones I have outside of school were in college in different states or cities. It’s more so the fact that for a long period of time I don’t have my distraction. Everyone says to go out and do things alone (which thanks to anxiety, I need to work on more) but there’s no distractions when you’re alone. There’s no friends turning up with you or having fun and joking. You’re just alone. As an introvert that sounds great, but for me it’s only great for a bit when my mind isn’t going wild or it’s great when I need a breather.
THE THOUGHTS INSIDE
I’m not going in-depth but a lot of it is just about my life. Where I am. How I don’t even think I have a purpose or if I do, I don’t even know what that purpose is. I don’t have motivation for much. There’s so much but I don’t want to go below the surface. I feel so stuck,worthless, not appreciated, and like a failure. I know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts, which is why I’m sharing them. I want others to know that they’re not alone.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Right now I’ve just felt like isolating myself. I know it might seem crazy when being alone is what’s caused these thoughts to come out more, but this is what I feel I need. Right now I’m just tired. I don’t have the strength for empty conversations or for people to come to me about their problems or asking for favors at the moment. Next, I’m going to keep trying. I have constantly set my alarm every morning and kept my workout clothes out in hopes of that day that I’ll get up and take that walk. I’m going to keep trying and doing my best. Very recently I wrote a post about feeling like I’ve gotten less connected with God a bit, and I still feel that way, but I want to pray more for the guidance that I need and the help I need to overcome this. Lastly, I’m going to continue to write…on my blog and in my poetry. This is The Black Princess Diaries and I’m sharing my thoughts, feelings, and life with you all for you to enjoy and for me to release.
**DISCLAIMER: Do what you need to in order to help yourself but do please do NOT self harm or harm others. Again, if you feel you need help or the urge to harm yourself, PLEASE go see a PROFESSIONAL to get the proper help you need ♥**