Hello everyone, my name is Deandra aka The Black Princess Diaries and I have been living a horrible lie.
Ok, so maybe it’s not THAT serious. Actually, what I’m about to confess is quite common but due to embarrassment and being disappointed in myself, I’ve hidden this from most of my friends and family members. So what’s the lie I’m living? I know that I’ve shared that I’ve graduated, that part is true, but sadly I don’t have my degree. I have two classes that I needed to retake before I receive my degree. All this time I’ve been celebrating with my friends and having to smile the best “proud graduate” smile I could when church members or family members come up to me and go “So you’re a college graduate!” And with the most convincing tone I can provide, I go “Yup! I sure am!”
If it’s not that serious then why hide it and lie?
Well, for one, I was embarrassed. Before I continue, this isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Things happen. College is very difficult and just to have made it across the stage, whether you have some things to finish or not, is a huge accomplishment. I was just embarrassed for myself (still am a little bit, but that’s something I have to work on letting go). I’m so hard on myself(as many people are) and the fact that, in my mind, I failed. Yea I walked across the stage, but I don’t have a degree to look forward to. That degree holder will remain empty unlike the many others that will be filled with a paper that showed how all their hard work didn’t go to waste. I was embarrassed to be sitting there and be the only one out of my friends to have graduated, but not fully succeeded. I didn’t want to be around my friends as we raise our cups of celebratory drinks and hear “Cheers to us all being graduates and getting our degrees…well….except for Deandra.”
Another reason I’ve been hiding this is because I’d rather forget. College hasn’t brought the best memories. In fact, it sent me into a downward spiral worse than I’ve ever experienced before. Now don’t read this and start to worry. This is just MY personal experience. That doesn’t mean it’ll be yours. To have to face the fact that I have to go back to the same place that has activated depressive thoughts that I’m not sure will ever officially go away, caused me to lay in fetal position with unending tears, put me into loads of debt, and a possible outlier for why I had to go to the hospital is not something I want to do. The fact that I’m waking up earlier than I like, sitting in class with professors I’m not particularly fond of, and worrying about grades instead of worrying about something I love (like my blog) is enough to leave me with a grouchy face all semester. But, in order to succeed this semester, I have to learn to let go. I can’t change the fact that I have to be here, but I can change my approach to how I handle these classes (because clearly past approaches don’t work).
This post isn’t only me confessing, but a bit of a venting session for me as well. I feel like I’m behind in so much and life right now just is nowhere near where I’d like to be. I’m not even 100% sure if I know where I want to be. I need to take this time to figure it out. I hope one day in the future when I’m reading my older blog posts, I’ll read this post while being in a different space. Head space, work, finance, home, etc. I’ll be able to look back and remember all the depression, pain, and confusion I went through and be able to say that I made it out. No matter how far away that point in life currently seems to be for me.
Have you ever hidden something because you were embarrassed?