Dear diary,

This is going to be a long one and possibly one that might have some very confusing moments. I find it crazy that, not only myself, but people I know are having a pretty hard time during the same time as mental health awareness month. This doesn’t mean that the hard time just started this month, but it seems to be getting worse. When it comes to them…I truly hope that everyone is able to get the proper help they need because I hate to see the ones that I love struggling. Now as for me….here comes a wild ride of thoughts and emotions…

To start, I’m so grateful to have people in my life who want to help that care about me. I know that not everyone has that. With that being said, as grateful as I am for them, I’ve even reached the point in my mental health to where I need more than just someone that can relate if I tell them that I’m struggling. If I decide to express what I’m going through mentally, as much as it’s nice to not feel alone in some things, I need more than just “I feel that” or “I understand” as a response. I need an actual helpful response, but I would never say anything because no one is a professional and everyone is just doing the best they can to be there for each other while trying their hardest continue being there for themselves.

Now let’s move on to life…it’s kicking me in the ass! I haven’t cussed on my blog in a little bit, but that’s just how bad it is. The combination of personal things plus the life happening in the world is just a little too much. Let’s start with everything goin on with the world…it’s too much! When you think about everything as a whole…the world being too far gone when it comes to climate and the ozone meaning soon it could just “break” so to speak…the pandemic still being a pandemic and slowly getting back up at that but there still being a (possibly forever) divide on the treatment of it…prices going up on literally EVERYTHING and it being hard to even afford gas now let alone a house…and now in the latest addition, women’s rights to basically have the ability to control our own bodies is being taken away. There’s so much more that could be added, and if you thought this was a spiraling list of items, you are correct! Now, imagine that same spiral but all of it going inside of your head at once on a random Tuesday or how about being in the kitchen, feeling pretty good, and suddenly hearing the news about the state of the planet, which then makes your brain go into a spiral about earth simply not working anymore and the inevitable happening so you start crying out of nowhere…welcome to my brain (it’s not fun here).

The personal side of my mental health issues is even longer, but let’s shorten it for the purpose of not turning this from a diary entry into a novel. Personally, everything feels like a bit of a wreck, but I’ve just so happen to manage to stay afloat enough for people to see me wave above the waters…just to not realize that I’m waving because I’m drowning and to say hello. As a content creator and now shop owner, making money mostly relies on you posting and promoting the things you’re doing because…the more you get the word out, the more people will see which brings them in to look at your stuff. Well, I haven’t had the energy to even socialize on my social media’s let alone post consistently for all of the accounts that I own. It may look like it from the outside looking in because I AM posting, however, it’s the very bare minimun and then you won’t see anything from me the rest of the day. I’m also at the level of having no energy to communicate that I sometimes dread making posts asking questions because people will answer and that means I also have to respond back. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk to anyone or don’t appreciate the relationships that have been made online, I just simply don’t have the energy right now in this moment and haven’t had the energy since last year if I’m being 100% honest. The energy to communicate (or lack thereof) doesn’t just apply to my online community, but the people in my life as well outside of social media. I don’t go anywhere or do anything per this pandemic era, so I don’t have much to talk about and small talk takes more enery than if you actually have something to discuss. It also takes even more energy for me because I’m always trying to remain entertaining just so I don’t seem boring, but really, I just rather not talk for a week besides a quick morning check-in than to force the energy to make conversation that I just don’t have in me right now.

Speaking of not having the energy, I’m someone that likes to hear my loved ones problems and help the best I can no matter what my own mental health state is like at that moment. I sometimes tell myself that I won’t if it’s too much, but it’s just in me to do so and I can’t help it. With that being said, a lot of times it’s often me asking what’s wrong if someone says they’re not doing the best or maybe someone asks if they can vent, but sometimes someone may just express things without doing either which I don’t usually mind because I like to help as I’ve said. Lately, even asking to vent has me a little…on the edge…because I simply feel like I can’t take other people’s problems at this moment. If I’m in a good mood or just finished laughing at something, it almost feels like my happy moment is being ruined or taken over because I don’t have too many of those these days. I don’t say anything to anyone becuase I know how it can come off and the last thing I want anyone to think is that they’re a bother or they can’t come to me anymore…it’s just too much right now and sometimes I’m the only one they really come to about certain things. Overall…I’m just drained from communication.

Also speaking of the pandemic, my life has not been the same since it started. I literally haven’t been out unless it’s grocery shopping for the most part ever since 2020. I’ve struggled with doing basic health care/body care things, which some I’ve been able to overcome, but I think that part of that struggle/ the struggle to be a human in society is leaving my house. I’ve always had this issue, however, I’ve been able to hide it very well so not a soul would ever guess. This goes beyond just being an introverted person. When I started becoming blogger and officially decided that I wanted to do it full time, I knew that I would have issues because I would be home all of the time. Even in my years in college, I had to force myself out of the house to do school work or blog work. Again, no one knew…think of it as the statement I made with waving above the water as if I’m saying hello but I’m signaling for help. The crazy part is, because this looks like something that just started, it’s very hard to explain but the pandemic was really just the fuel needed to officially glue me to home as if I’m trapped (and sometimes it truly feels this way…as if I’m trapped). What’s even crazier is the fact that, yes I’m struggling to leave my home, but I’m also losing my mind damn near every single day now because I miss my friends. I miss going out on the weekends and the occasional bar activities. I miss the laughs and the freedom and looking cute just to walk through the mall or to go eat. I miss all of this yet if you asked me right now to go somewhere, my stomach will start to tie into knots. I HATE IT! I could potentially lose the only friends I have, not because I don’t want to hang out, but because it LOOKS like I don’t want to.

I have so much more to express/rant about, but this is truly turning into a novel so lastly…the pandemic. As I’ve mentioned, it helped aid in my inability/lack of energy to get myself to get ready for the day and get out of the house. However, although only a few times out of the years since, I have gotten out of the house beyond grocery shopping. Here’s the thing, I’ve always dealt with paranoia with certain things, but now I have Covid paranoia. This isn’t something I share, so I just deal with it alone, but I’m always a wreck the days after going somewhere. It doesn’t matter where I went, the next day is always the same….smelling everything and wondering if I still have my taste. One day, literally right after drinking and smelling my coffee, I started worrying just a couple hours later as if I didn’t just taste the flavor of my coffee or the coffee smell. From the outside looking in it can seem funny, but to the person experiencing it, it’s very draining. It’s not as simple as saying “just don’t freak out” because trust me, I would love to not feel crazy. And again, the energy it takes out of me is extremely draining. I would never wish for anyone to be this way. So, even if I didn’t struggle with feeling glued to my house, I’m not sure how often I would leave it anyways just from knowing how I’ll end up the next day. I try not to let it last too long, but I’m often just left praying that two weeks will hurry up and fly by.

THAT is my life. THIS is my brain. And just as this rant is ending, I wish all of these things would end with it.