Dear diary,

I have absolutely no clue what these past two years have been. The only word I can use for this entire experience (the experience I’m referring to goes without saying) is confusion. There is just a mix of confusion from all over…as if life wasn’t confusing enough to begin with. The world together has endured the same thing, yet we all have had different experiences. Some people’s lives didn’t change much besides what they had absolutely no control over, and once things started opening back up, they never missed a single beat as if nothing happened. Some people are on the total opposite side of that spectrum. Their lives are completely different, including new fears they never thought they’d have. If the places they used to go could collect dust from them not being there, there would be some dusty spots in this world. Some people are still only seeing their friends via video chat and others have never stopped hanging out or even partying. We have all had the same experience, yet completely different at the same time….and then there’s mine.

My experience is one that’s in the middle. I have not returned to a single bar and I barely go to stores besides grocery shopping, but I’ve also never been one to go to the level of wearing gloves (but I still wear a mask) or going the extra mile to voluntarily wipe down my groceries. I’m in a space, and have been in this space ever since, where I’m still trying to figure things out. This space where I’m craving so badly to hang with friends again on a Saturday night but the anxiety feeling just holds me back from even attempting to make plans. I’m also in a space where I’m able to move past that anxiety (very few times but it has happened) and at least hang out for a birthday, but then I sniff everything in sight with a scent the next day to make sure I still have my smell.

Let’s also not forget the space I’m in where I’m literally just trying to adjust and deal with all the changes this has brought about…including possibly losing a friend in the process…hence why it’s hard to say goodbye. I don’t mean lose as in death (thank God), but in a way that’s still just as hard to adjust to and accept. The problem with me struggling to adjust isn’t the fact that things aren’t the same, change is good, but it’s the fact that too much has changed and it was way too sudden. Originally this title was specifically referring to a friendship, but maybe it’s referring to much more. Maybe it’s referring to the life I used to know. Maybe it’s referring to the type of friendships I used to have. Maybe it’s referring to some parts of myself. I’m not really sure like I once was…but at least it fits the theme of the past two years…right?