Dear younger self,

Wow, I look at you and I see someone who I wish I still was but with some attributes I never want to see again. I see a little elementary school girl. You are so bright and smart. You receive so many awards and accomplishments. I am so proud of you! You’ve even gotten out of your comfort zone a few times. Remember when you did that fashion show at school and MC’d for it at the same time? That was crazy huh? Right about now, you’re obsessing over your first boyfriend. Don’t worry about when he stops talking you. He grows up to take a completely different path…and trust me you’ll be surprised when you get older. Not only do I see a bright girl, but I also see a girl who’s hurt. I see a girl who’s been bullied so badly starting just at 3rd grade. I see a girl who’s trying to push through, but doesn’t look forward to school sometimes. Who’s trying to ignore the harsh words that are constantly being thrown at her. And you do. You make it out with many honors and I’m so proud of you, but I also hate to say that those very words leave you with many scars and insecurities throughout your life too.

Dear younger self,

I see a middle school girl nervous as hell to start a new school, not knowing what this new step will take. You make new friends and even join chorus, which you love to your core. Your insecurities still follow you, in fact they get a little worse. Right now you’re not happy with your skin tone or your hair. Although I wish you accepted them now, When you get older you’ll start to accept these things and be proud of your blackness. Because your black is so beautiful babygirl. I wish the bullying stops for you, but it continues. You’ve had your things messed with and you’ve been talked about. This will make you very protective over your stuff when you’re older and you’ll always wonder if people are talking about you when you walk by. Don’t let it get to that point. You have to let go of what people did to you, otherwise the jerks will always win.

Right now is when you’re starting to try to find yourself a little. You’re even trying to say curse words but it just isn’t feeling right huh? (wait until you’re older, you’ll be shocked). You’re getting into a few things that normal kids this age get into. And yea you get into a little trouble for it as well. Be careful with what you’re doing. It turns into something you begin to wish you could step away from. Lastly, I see a girl who wishes her dad was around. I know it’s hard seeing your cousin with her dad when he visits. It’s hard seeing them having fun. There are going to be men(some you’re not so sure about) that come in your life as you grow up, but none of them are your dad. He’ll try to come in high school, but by that time it’ll be too late. It’s ok to be sad. But you’ll make it without him. You’ll be ok.

Dear younger self,

You’re a high schooler now girl and it is insane! I know right now you are pissed about finding out you have to wear glasses. You also don’t get new ones until adulthood after you break those very ugly glasses you angrily picked out. Surprise alert….your eyesight gets worse. About 9th grade you’re starting to figure out this whole sexual preference thing. I know you hate to have to hide things when you’re just trying to figure out who you are, but push through babygirl. You eventually figure things out. You don’t realize this, but you might be depressed a little bit. Don’t try to eat yourself to a heart attack…it’s not going to work(thank God). I wish you were more positive about life. Hell, I wish that changed for you after high school. 11th grade is when the bullying finally stops. All these years and it’s finally done. Go talk to somebody about it. I know you may not 100% realize the effects, but try and open up to your mom, get some help. Because if not now, then you’ll go many years with the past lingering onto you. You’re going to be shocked to know that you wear a lot of black now. Crazy right!? But don’t worry, you’re still girlier than ever.

And lastly, your perspective about relationships and marriage will change. I know right now you’re hating every one who’s in a relationship. You’re crying over it even. I want you to know that being in a relationship isn’t all you think. I want you to learn to be happy alone now, because very soon you’re going to find someone and you’re going to go through it. Stay away from him and stay away from dating sites. You’re worth so much more than what he puts you through. I have a tip for you….SIGN UP FOR COLLEGE EARLY. Don’t let your procrastination get to you because the school you’re at sucks. And don’t feel like you have to sign up for college right away. Wait a year if you need to. Figure out what you really want to do in life. What makes you happy. I have good news, you finally drive! Bad news, it makes you anxious as hell and you barely go places outside of the norm. Change that before it happens.

You think you’re going to end up living in a box and all your friends are going to leave you and live their own lives. Change your mindset now. It gets so much harder to when you’re older. I want the best for you. You have so much potential. You go through so much internally. I want you to show yourself you can make it through life. You are so strong. Adulthood isn’t what you think. Freedom isn’t what you think and as an adult you’re trying to push through. Develop a strong mindset in highschool. Fight off those demons. Before I go, I want to say I love you and you’re beautiful. I know you don’t believe that and I’m sorry that wasn’t said to you more. I’m sorry those years of bullying has you believing otherwise. Start telling yourself that more because as an adult it’s hard…so hard. And I never want you to go a day without you saying it and believing it. Take care beautiful.

Love, your older self.